I was born in 1969, a Jewish girl in a troubled country, the USSR. When I was four years old, my parents divorced due to my father’s infidelity, and somehow, as young children often feel they must make things right for a parent by taking some action, I made that mistake. Clearly, I was aware that my mom and my grandmother were suffering because of the divorce and they hated my father, so I fed their egos by hating him, too. After a long time, I came to understand that my mom did the best she could under the circumstances. In fact, what greater love can a parent have for a child than to save her? It took great courage, love, and maternal instinct for her to kidnap me from my father and the dangers of communism and then to flee to Israel.
Although I never told my mother, I was sexually abused by her boyfriend when I was twelve, I blamed her for not protecting me. As my resentment grew, so did my ego. As one often does with ego, some destructive and rigid falsehoods become mistaken guidelines for survival: “You can’t trust anyone” and “Be a strong victim” are but a few of those falsehoods. When my mom got involved with another man six months later, they were in an automobile accident that disabled her for nine months. I knew then that my working career had begun and that I would be the caregiver.
My mom decided that life in America would be better, so we moved to New York when I was sixteen. Her depression. however, prevented me from attending school and it was necessary for me to support her. Yes, I thought I grew stronger, but my bitterness grew as well. I married at eighteen and gave birth to the greatest joy of my life, my beautiful little girl. I am grateful to God for many things, but there’s no greater thing in my life for which I am more grateful than I am for my daughter. Perhaps she has been one of the major moving forces in my life. After my divorce at twenty, I again had to take charge but I had not been enlightened enough to shed the weight of my victimhood and the sense of pressure from the walls that seemed to be growing around me.
Two things I knew with absolute certainty were that I am a creative person and that I wanted to work with people. The perfect career awaited me after I attended beauty school. I quickly became a successful hairdresser, and another unsuccessful marriage helped propel me to the decision to open my own salon at age twenty-five. What wasn’t working so well were my relationships with men. A few more long-term relationships reinforced my sense of being the victim. When I met the love of my life, a relationship that lasted for ten years and then crashed and burned, the pain was greater than ever. That blow left me to no choice but to ask myself some basic questions: Why is this happening to me? What can I do about it? How can I take responsibility? In all of my relationships, the only common factor was me. Being hostess to this ego was literally exhausting me.
I had to do the hard work of learning to love myself, to stop blaming, and to open my heart to unconditional love. To some people, the mere mention of being at peace internally when external things may be well beyond our control sounds contradictory, if not impossible. I believe that every experience in my life has helped me to grow, to expand my horizons and teach self-reliance. Here I am today on this mission by God. I wanted to tell you my story to reassure you that your life and the way you think about your life can change as well.
–There is plenty for everyone, including you.
The universe does not respond to words, it responds to how you feel. Your words create your thoughts and your thoughts create your energy.
I have many personal success stories, and I would like to share the most successful and significant one with you. At the age of nineteen, an age some consider to be a child, I gave birth to an amazing soul,…